all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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