I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
