apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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