We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
