so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
