Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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