Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
