I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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