I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
