Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
