This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
