I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
