My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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