I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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