hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
