I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
