You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
