It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
