I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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