Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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