he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
