did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
