I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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