You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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