the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
