I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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