just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
