i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
