I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
