just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
