I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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