you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
