Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize