i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
