I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
