I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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