I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
