it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
