I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
