I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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