Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
