I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
