I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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