counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
