I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
