When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize