My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
