Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
