I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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