I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
