i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
