Sry I called you an 8
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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