I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
