Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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